I’m being pulled in too many directions, by too many things, and too many people. It’s near impossible to satisfy everyone while I’m trying to satisfy myself, while I’m trying to figure out what path I want to be on, and how exactly to get to my next destination.
I feel a knot in my stomach anytime there’s even the slightest bit of conflict or tension. It’s the feeling of an impending panic attack, though I never let it reach the climax. Instead I’m left with the stifled sob stuck in my throat and an unsatisfied taste in my mouth.
At moments like these, however, I am reminded of how lucky and thankful I am for some of the people in my life. So for this round, consider this an ode to my best friend(s). Here’s to her, for understanding that friendship is a two way street. For being direct and honest when there might be a few bumps in the road. For not letting time nor space get in between us, regardless of how far we are from each other, or how long it’s been since we’ve talked. For not letting me be passive-aggressive, and for reminding me not to think for other people. For being supportive as I reach for my dreams, for acknowledging when I’ve done something noble, and for being proud of me for what I’ve already accomplished. For distracting me when I need it, for encouraging me to face my emotions when I’m ready, and for being my constant, the anchor to my ship, the peanut butter to my black berry jam.
Hi Tumblr. It’s been awhile. This entry is going to be an update, because reading through my old entries, all that’s there to remember is a lot of negativity and hurt, and my life is SO full of positivity right now. So here goes.
Bad things have been happening to good people all too much lately. Lots of death, life threatening illnesses, heart breaks, natural disasters, etc… I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t let it affect me, but a part of me feels weird for letting it all bring me down when it isn’t even my pain to feel in the first place. On top of all the things happening to those in my circle, I’ve been answering calls at the suicide hotline, and holy shit. As much tragedy that I hear each call, it really is the most rewarding thing I could ever imagine doing, and I wouldn’t trade any second of it.
But you know what, when I separate myself from these problems that I witness directly, the pain that I listen to over the phone each week, I have absolutely nothing major to complain about. I am happy. I’ve weaned out some of the energy vampires in my life, and I’ve added some AMAZING people to my repertoire of home dawgs. My relationship has been on a high note for a very long time, and is exactly what I expect and hope for. I look forward to every embrace and encounter. I’m working A LOT more than a human should, but I love everything that I’m doing and it’s getting me places. I have a plan, and I’m genuinely excited to see how it pans out.
So, YAY LIFE!